Best of FB - Jan 2014 Edition

• Boxes
• My monthly subscription of lunch-box snacks from Amazon arrived yesterday, just in time for the kids to sail around the world with a purple dragon, two headed zombie, and Jake the Pirate.(Jan 4)
• Dino Guard
• "If you say "Raaaaarrrr!" to a bad guy? He'll go away!"
• -Founder of Joss' School for Inadequate Self Defence. (Jan 4)
• Weenies?
• Joss: Mommy! We're watching the Weenies!
• Me: The what??
• Joss: The Weenies! The Weenies!
• Me: (looks at the TV) Oh. The GOONIES... (Jan 5)
• Discipline
• Told the boys to bring up the stuffed animals they wanted from the nest (which was demo'ed tonight) and anything left on the floor would be put into a bag and kept for at least 3 days. Paul was curious about the kind of bag. I said I hadn't thought of it yet. Joss brought up two little blankets and one small stuffy - this is the child who usually sleeps like Smaug, curled up on a pile of toys.
• We brush teeth, it's time for bed, there are still toys all over the floor. I get a pillow case, and start stuffing things inside. Joss flips the f&*k out. He grabs two little pillows that he sleeps on, but that's all he can hold in one go. Sorry kiddo, I gave you half an hour to do this. Joss continues to flip the f^%c out.
• I tell him that he can earn back his toys with good behavior. He screams that he doesn't want to earn them back. I tell him he's lucky - Safta would be using a garbage bag, and that would be the end of it. I'm using a pillow case, and giving him a chance to get them back. If you guessed that Joss was still flipping the f#$k out, you'd be right.
• Shawn, who had been in our bedroom trying to prep for work, comes down wondering what was going on. Joss threw me under the bus, screaming that Mommy was taking the toys and putting them in a pillow case, and he wanted his toys back. He called me a baby. I had to carry him upstairs - flipping the f*@k out - and dump him on his incredibly bare (except for his comforter and an additional blanket - this is winter in New England) bed. Luckily, he had those two pillows, plus the two little blankies and a few stuffies he's brought up during the course of today's play. 
• I remained calm, and didn't even crack a smile at the epitaph. The End.(Jan 5)
• Names
• So, Joss has me swaddle two monkey stuffed animals (not victims of Sunday's tantrum). Now that they are babies, they need toys. The little monkey is called Blue Monkey, and his toy - a soft Piglet rattle - is called Grogger. The big monkey's toy is my old plush sheep, Garret (yes, the one Evan gave me for my sweet 16). The big monkey's name? Antidisestablishmentarianism. (Jan 7)
• Slave Labor
• I've got Paul making funLoom bracelets. Well, he's in the middle of his first. He's doing pretty well... (Jan 18)
• Growing Boy
• It's hard carrying a mostly-asleep 6yr old up a flight of steps when his legs are almost as long as your own. (Jan 30)

Best of FB - Dec 2013 Edition

• Gifts
• Both kids really liked their Hanukkah gifts of books tonight - so we're doing something right. Or something nerd. Either. Both. (Dec 2)
• Planes
• Spent half an hour before kid's bedtime wrangling some truly amazing Origami -fu. "Bisect each of the angles, then fold sides into the center." After 15 minutes - nailed it. (Dec 3)
• Costumes
• I walk into Joss' room to shush him at bedtime. He's sitting up in bed, wielding a foam sword, Cap't America shield, wearing a black mask. (Dec 4)
• Salt
• Just got a call from the school nurse that Paul was trying to eat the salt put down outside on the ice. (Dec 11)
• Toothbrush
• Got the kids new toothbrushes, Crayola crayon themed ones, and it was Paul's turn to choose which color, purple or blue. He turns to Joss, "which color do you like?" Joss chooses the purple. Paul turns to me and says, "I want the purple one."
• *sad trombone* (Dec 24)
• Peg Leg (Dec 26)
• Joss, why are you missing one sock?
• "Because I'm a Pirate! Arrrgh, arrrgh, arrrgh!"

Best of FB - Nov 2013 Edition

• Hubs is trying to convince the kidlet that there's no money in being Superman, and that maybe he should consider another profession. (Nov 3)
• Joss, there's no ZOMBIE in your room, we would have smelled it if there were. (Nov 3)
• Pickle
• You want a cucumber, Joss?
• No, it's pickle ice cream! (Begins to lick cuke)
• What, are you pregnant?
• No! You have pickle ice cream when you're Jewish, you know.
• (Adults die laughing)
• Shawn and Joss are cheering for the Buckeyes. Adorable.  — feelingamused.
• Joss and Lily are pirates. Paul and Anna are doing a puzzle. Dad is cleaning up the 7 bins of toys they dumped all over the family room. (Nov 16)
• 4 kidlets, many plain pancakes, some chocolate-chip pancakes, and enormous amounts of hugs and noise. G'morning, Sunday. (Nov 17)
• OMG - the boys just spontaneously said "I love you. I love you, too" to each other. That may be a forerunner of the apocalypse. (Nov 20)
• Supernatural
• Joss: Mommy? When I grow up, I want to watch Supernatural, and drink mommy juice (wine) when I watch Supernatural.
• Me: ...OK.
• Evil Chef
• Me: *pretend eating pretend food* Mmm. You're a very good chef.
• Joss: No, Mommy, I'm an EVIL chef, silly! (Nov 24)
• Joss car-nap in the parking lot at Costco's is reaching the 2 hour point. (Nov 24)
• Just had my first "you will not use "girl" as a pejorative" discussion with my 6yr old. So it begins. (Nov 25)
• My 6yr old just discovered pins and needles when his foot fell asleep today. Only he calls the pins & needles "molecule blasters." (Nov 26)
• Joss wrote his name, unprompted, all by himself. When I pointed out he had an extra s, he corrected me, ''No, that's a 3, for me! J-O-S-S 3! (Nov 29)

Best of FB - Oct 2013 Edition

The best kid related posts of Oct 2013

• Joss: Mommy? I got pee all over my underwear and my pants. My pee wasn't listening to me! *sad preschooler face*
• Scene
• Joss: Mommy, I'm a Buttongator.
• Me: What's a "buttongator?"
• Joss: A Buttongator is a person who can button and unbutton things. I'm unbuttoning my shirt, so I'm a Buttongator.
• Me: ....oh.
• Scene
• Overhearing kids arguing:
• Paul: Now I feel like when I grow up, I'M NEVER going to your house!
• Joss: I'll go over to YOUR house.
• Paul: NO! No, I won't tell you where it is!
• Joss: Where is it, Paul?!
• Paul: I'm not telling you!
• Joss: Well, I'm going to live wherever you live.
• Paul: I don't want you living with me! You can live in the same city, but can never know where I live.
• This has apparently been well-planned for a long time, and explains the mortgage paperwork we've been receiving addressed to P.A.Weil.
• Birthday Scene
• "Someone got ME a WHOLE BOX of SPORKS?!?!?!?" 
• *Gleefully sifts hands through the case of 1000 sporks.*
• Happy 6th Birthday, kiddo.
• Paul told me that when he has babies he's going to name the boy Paul and the girl Emmaline. But if he has two boys, he's going to name them the same thing...and make them be twins. Or maybe two boys and two girls. I don't know what to say.
• Awkward Scene
• Almost 4yr old: *hums* I'm singing Star Whores.
• Me: Um, Star WARS?
• Him: Yeah. *hums imperial march*
• Paul: Guess what? Do you know what the highest number ever is? It's INFINITY...plus 91. *nods*
• 
  

Best of FB - Sept 2013 Edition

Here are some kid related highlights from our FB threads in September. We've got some funny kids!

• Upon hearing that Grandma Rochelle and Grandpa Steve are leaving tomorrow morning, Paul says "I'm going to miss them 148%." Joss asks if we can visit then the day after tomorrow. 
• Have I mentioned that every time Paul makes his own Lego creations they are perfectly symmetrical. That's not weird, right?
• Paul: Daddy, there's a spider. Don't do it any harm because it's not harming us.......Ok, it's harming us now. Can you come here?
• Beren, a minute and a half later: No, we are NOT having a PET SPIDER!!!!
• Joss just fell out of bed with quite the thunk and cry. I grabbed him up for kisses and comfort, and asked him what happened. He wailed, "I...don't...KNOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW."
• Paul just fell asleep, sitting up on the couch, watching Superman. Probably because he was up somewhat before 5am today. Sorry no pics - we just scooped and plopped him into bed.
• Just scraped 3-years worth of dried up Play-Doh out of the Play-Doh burger press with an awl, so I can count today as being productive.

Best of FB - Aug 2013 Edition

Here are some kid related highlights from our FB threads in August. We've got some funny kids!

• Paul is in an after school program that goes until 6:00, but I picked him up at 4:30 because I was concerned that he might be over-tired and over-simulated. Bad: When they brought him to me he was inconsolably upset. Good: He was upset because he wanted to stay "seven hours longer." 
• At the second of three Kindergarten transition events for Paul this morning. He was so excited he was running in circles. When offered a tour of his new classroom, he simply grabbed his new teacher's hand and pulled her inside the building. 
• Shawn had the "Birds & Bees" talk with Paul tonight. When I was done, I asked him if he had any questions. He answered "Yes. Daddy, why does water put out fire"? 
• Beren asked Joss how high he could count. He began counting in a squeaky voice, that reached bat-sonar frequencies. Smarty pants.

Best of FB - July 2013 Edition

Here are some kid related highlights from our FB threads in July. We've got some funny kids!

Paul (age 5 2/3): Daddy, did you know that before a baby is in a mommy's belly, it's an egg?!?
Shawn: That's right. Who told you that?
P: I read it in the human body book at school.
S: Hmmm...did you learn anything else?
P: Something comes together with the egg to make the baby, but I'm not sure what. It looked like a balloon though.
S: Well...I think you and I are going to need to have a little talk...


Paul had some trouble in school yesterday. A child was laying on the floor, and Paul abruptly jumped on top of him. They child was stunned but not hurt. Paul "lost a sticker" for this behavior - bad news. When we asked him why he did what he did, he said "He looked like a chair - so I sat on him!"


Paul, to another child at the pool: "My full name is Paul Andrew Weil. There are three things you can call me: Paul, Pauly, and Paully-Waully-Doodle-All-The-Day."


Beren cooked dinner in a fetching little witch hat, because Joss insisted it be so.


Beren: Look, I made a lego snake!
5yr old: That's not a snake.

Beren: Use your imagination.

5yr old: I'm imagining you not doing that anymore.

Best of FB - June 2013 Edition

Here are some kid related highlights from our FB threads in June. We've got some funny kids!

Paul's kindergarten teacher left his school last week - she is getting re-married to her ex-husband and moving. She gave gift bags for each of her students filled with Hershey kisses, pencils, and Smarties. Paul has been jealously guarding this special cache of treats from Joss.


Joss tries to take some of the candy, and Paul tells him "No! This is my special gift from my teacher!" Joss replies "Well my teacher is leaving too so she can marry her sabba! She'll give me a special goodie bag!"

Joss's teacher is in her 50s and married. She is not going to marry her own grandfather. Crafty kid!


We started going through the pre-Kindergarten summer exercises for Paul - Math and Reading. Joss joined in. We sorted shoes, played "I Spy" with shapes in the room, and clapped in rhythm. Highlights for me:

• Paul telling me that the shape I drew was a trapezoid. ("I learned it from Blue's Clues"). 
• Explaining that the lampshade was a conical section - and showing it in relation to the ice cream cone I drew. 
• Clapping irregular meters with him. He's definitely ready for music lessons of some sort. 
• Joss discovering that categorizing the 14 pairs of shoes into two categories (velcro versus laces) left some shoes out - and defining the two additional categories (buckles and elastic). 

Tomorrow is Paul's "Moving Up" day in his center's kindergarten class. More-or-less his pre-school graduation. He'll be in public school kindergarten in September, and all I can think about is how odd it is that I simultaneously feel a sense of loss with the end of his pre-school years AND irritation about his lack of maturity. This parenthood thing is a trip. #parenting


Joss has inherited his Safta's odd habit of pocketing rocks from wherever he happens to be. The result: my washing machine doubles as a rock tumbler.

Joss is a Pirate.

Watch "Joss is a pirate." on YouTube

Me: What is a Pirate?
Joss: Arrrrrggghhhhh.

Well. OK, then.

Paul and Joss are fighting, as they do.  I pick Joss up, and his breath smells like candy.

Mommy: Joss, what's in your mouth?
Joss: Um, I don't know.  Something.
M: Is that candy?
J: Yeah, it's a gummi. (holds out his hand to show me another gummi.)
M: Who gave you permission to have candy?
J: (thinks about it, looks at me wide-eyed) I did!

I a mouch!!

Joss placed a robot toy on top of his sippy cup. "Robot funNY!"
Then he put the robot on the table. "Robot go down staiRS."
Then he turned to me and said "SQUEEK SQUEEEEEEK! I a mouch!"
You're a mouse? "Yah, a mouch! SQUEEEEEEEEK!"

Our weird life.

Irrefutable logic
Mommy: What did you do at school today?
Paul: I don't know.
M: what do you mean you don't know - you were there?
P: I don't know what I don't know. I only know what I know.

Good News/Bad News
Good news: Joss told me (as he was naked after his bath, and while pointing to his penis) that he had an "uh-oh."
Bad news: He didn't tell me where.
Good news: I found the puddle.
Bad news: I was barefoot. *sigh*

Planning for the Future
Paul: I know who I'm going to marry!
Mommy: Oh, really? Who?
P: I'm going to marry Aunt Margie, when we're all growed up.
M: Sorry to break it to you, kid, but Aunt Margie is already going to marry her friend, Jason. remember, we saw him at Passover?
P: Oh. *thinks* Well, then, I'm going to marry . . . Grandma!
M: Sorry, kiddo, Grandma is married to Grandpa.
P: Well. I'll marry Safta!
M: You're striking out, Paul. Safta is seeing someone else.
*Paul looks very dejected*
M: Maybe you can marry my friend, Jodi (sorry, Jodi!)
P: *brightens* Oh! Oh, I will marry Jodi!

(Jodi - in 14 years, he's all yours!)

Next on Hoarders
Joss had been moaning for his binky (Na-na. Na-na na-na. Na-na-na. *whimper* Na-na?) the entire 5 minute drive home from daycare.

We got in the door, and he ran over to the drawer where we keep them, anxiously waiting for me to put down the mail and open the damn drawer already. I took out one of the two binkies that was in there, and he took it, shook his head, placed it on the counter, and looked up at me. "Na-na? Na-na. Na-na!"

I took out the other binky, and the same scenario happened. I raised my hands in the international sign for "I ain't got no more" and said, "Joss - there aren't any more binkies in there." He scrunched up his face, then turned to my SodaStream gizmo . . . pulled up the drip tray, and there hidden in the space beneath the well was - finally! - a satisfactory binky.

Like, Totally
Part of Paul's routine is after he's had stories read to him, and his lullaby sung, he likes to look at read books by the ambient hall light for a while until he gets properly sleepy. I'm in the kitchen, trying to clean up from dinner while watching Lost - not as easy as it sounds.

Paul: Mommy? Mommmy? Mom? Mommy?
Mommy: (rushing to the stairs) What's the matter, baby?
P: I can't find the A to Z.
M: What?
P: I can't find the A to Z. Can you find it?

I go into his room, turn on the light, figure out which book he means (Sandra Boynton's "A to Z" as opposed to the gatrillion other ABC books he has), and begin digging through the book piles. After a few minutes of shifting the strata, I find the perennial classic in question on his night table.

M: Is this what you were looking for?
P: (grabs book and turns to climb back on the bed). Yes! You TOTALLY found it, Mommy!

Joss Speaks!

Not only does Joss have teeth now, but he has words! Here is a sample of them:

• Up



• Down



• No



• Yes (sssssssss)



• Daddy (Ad-dee)



• Ball



• Paul



• Nana (Pacifier)



• Nana (Banana)



• Mama



• Milk



• Uh-oh



• Please



• Meatball (or something like it)



• Mine



• Moon



• Baby



• Dog (oggie)

He can also sign:

• Please



• Thank You



• Help



• Milk



• No more

He also knows lots of body parts and animal sounds, although he isn't the performer his brother is. If he's in a good mood, he'll point to his nose and his belly. (He knows and will point to his nose, eyes, head, hair, belly, tushie, opens and closes his mouth for mouth, grins for teeth, and sticks out his tongue. -ed.)